First attempt – rewrite

So just a preview on my first try of rewriting I am looking forward for any kind of suggestions and criticism. So please feel free to do so.

Element of life – born in exile


Were to begin? I would tell you some things don’t really make sense in any line said or even in the words of a tale.My story begins long before I was even born.

The lives of many people were sacrificed to keep me from him. Keldrick Hinderstone, King of Gremeria. The ruler or king whatever you want to call him, he ruled in all the northern parts of Weilenderian. My mother was the daughter of the Southern coast tribe’s chief. Grandpa was like a ruler of some sort in this part of Weienderian. Just a normal poor one like the royals would say but a beautiful girl none the less. Not much of a Queen or Queen Material would you get out of her, my mother, she is a free spirit a wild flower not wanting to be picked and placed in a vase for all to see.

But Keldrick fancied my Mother; all the men did, come to think about it. She was a beauty like no one has ever seen. My Grandpa’s pride and joy like a trophy shown to all. Maybe I just got my father’s looks.

Anyway. So I was born through the amassment of a royal and poor blood and Keldrick didn’t know of my existence till I turned sixteen, when my power became one with me. The legend for told many years ago that a daughter will be born in royal blood lines, and would be  weak, but grow strong. I don’t really know why but I had to fight battles with all the kids in the tribe just to be noticed. That made me strong but I was never a weakling to begin with.

In a thousand years that have past, there was never a girl born until me. What a shame isn’t it but it is true, life gives you quit a ride and time to think, for being the only girl ready to rule and obtain my right to be royal ruler but I have never set foot in the castle or anywhere near it.

O before we get to a head of this story. Perhaps this would make things clearer:

Royalty blood extends to men only. To make it more clear. Women were born and raised in poor blood lines. Like only poor blood line men could make girl and boy babies. While royal blood line men could only make boy babies with the women of poor blood line. Men that got born through royal blood got the wonderful powers at the age of sixteen. That is what Grandpa told me through stories of hero’s in time.

I am the exception, the legend that many have heard in bed time stories. I am Cendricka Trange, how ironic that I got part of my father’s name. My mom was kind of a romantic, in a strange way.

The power source in me was unleased on the night of my ohm… accident. If I can call it that…

Well a girl has got needs, you know I liked the boy flirted and got him to give me something I wanted; that on my birthday. Would I do it again? Yes I would, but not with him, never again. What a disaster it turned out to be and from that moment on my life was turned upside down.

I have been in hiding since that day.

My mother was dragged back to the kingdom the very moment it was discovered I existed. The search for me started and I knew that time was all I needed to get away. My Grandpa was a wise old man that prepared me for the day I was to take over, but at a cost of social life. My healthy appetite for history and the wonderful world around us, made us closer.  I was smart ass and boys where scared by me. I was not much to look at till the age of thirteen. Like Chan said: What an ugly duckling. Well eat your words mister, the swan is landing.

But back to the history lesson of the legend that I am becoming  very soon. The girl that would be born out of royal blood line would be the new era of Weienderian. Meaning like Grandpa said, the end of the struggle. I didn’t know what that meant. What struggle will come to an end? Who was struggling?

He would laugh at my questions, answering just with “Cendricka, too many have fallen in hope of the legend and others just to keep you safe. I am not a fool like all do tell, but this I teach  you to use in all your wonderful power that one day when you shall be so strong and no one can take you down.”

Wisely I took advantage of the times we shared, every drop of information soaked in and thankful for every word…

His? last words were to me of a place I would be kept safe. But I need to get there, and I would need help of many to be kept safe till I am strong and practiced.

However I tried he made sure I got my physical strength maxed and I was not complaining. Even though I missed out on activities and stuff the other kids did, I got to spend precious time with grandpa Randol.

The Journey would be quite a way to go. From the far path south of Galome east of Thera is a well-known friar Benjamin. He could help me gain strength for Hendersoin. The place where all will be revealed. Don’t get me wrong, my grandpa did not really tell me all.

Information on how to survive and how to be smart, that was what he taught me the best. That is what I do the best. Okay, I am not the only child in this village that got battle training and strategy training. It’s like a pass to become one with the village and defend you and your loved ones. And conquer the enemy at any cost.


“To avoid criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.”


5 responses to “First attempt – rewrite

  1. It’s an intriguing start. You set the stage well with a complicated family history and you’ve given the narrator a great setting. Keep going! I look forward to reading more

  2. *Where* to begin? Your first word is a typo.

    The story itself sounds like it’s being set-up nicely, I like the complicated family history and intriguing back-story but definitely check your spelling, grammar and tense. You switch from the past to present tense quite a few times and it’s disjointed. It’s a great concept though and sounds like an interesting story. Good luck to you!

  3. Pingback: Firts attempt – continue | Letting it out…

  4. Pingback: First attempt – part 2 continue | Letting it out…

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