Facing my fears…

Hey guys.tumblr_mhdllz2osT1rjj91ko1_500

So on my birthday this year I faced my biggest fear. Climbing back into the saddle. I got into the saddle with my nerves shot high and fear of falling again flowing through me.

Twelve Years ago I had the biggest scare of my life. Falling from a horse hitting the ground full on my coccyx. I have fallen plenty of times of a horse before but this time it was different. The ground came fast and hard and in that moment I felt a sharp pain only not to feel anything from my waist down. When you don’t feel your legs even if you try hard enough you can’t move your toes. You only think one thing I am parallelized. I shall never be able to do anything.

When the pricking sensation returns in waves of pain minutes after the shock of maybe losing my ability to walk returned I cried in relief. I wasn’t parallelized. I wanted to stand up and dance but the weakness in my legs were what kept me from moving.

After everyone got me up and in the car to the doctor’s office the adrenaline subsided. And the pain that went through me in that half hour before the doctor gave me a shot of pain medication was the worst. My legs rattled as if I had never stopped riding for hours. The feeling coming and going in my legs.

The x-rays showed I fractured my coccyx to a clean fracture, no surgery necessary. Not to bad but I should stay away from falling again due to it could get worse. After that I had to rest for 8 weeks. Icing my backside for 20 minutes every 3 hours or when the pain medication didn’t kick in.

I cried many nights when the pain wasn’t bearable anymore. Seven moths past and the pain was only when I sat wrong a spike like needle pain would go up my spine from my coccyx up to my brain stem. Winter months were or are the worst cause the cold lays on the injuries making them harder to move or when you move painful.

So with the years I just forgot about horse riding, bike riding, running, sports and anything that could cause me to fall and break my coccyx. I played it save. My new friends can’t believe the stories about me when I tell them of how a wild child I was. My friends that was there the day it happened knows about the before me and the new me.

So for my 27 birthday this year my sister made me go to one of the local horse trainers. They are our friends for years now. Dominique was there the day I had my fall. And she knows about my fear. But we still went to get back in the saddle.

With some courage and persuasion I got up the horse. Fear of falling made me clench down on the rains and lock my heals. Dangerous for myself and for the horse. I got so tensed they wanted to get me off. But my sister kept on pushing me to relax and stay on.h5374C325

Eventually after my legs felt like jelly I relaxed and the ride became pleasant. My balance was no where to be found that day. The fear is still in the back of my mind. I got off after 15 min. My legs weak and my body shaking I went home with adrenaline pumping through my veins.

I have been there a total of 6 times after that I am still tense when the horse tries to go faster or gets a bit stubborn. The fear of falling makes me numb but the adrenaline rush I get from the ride has me hooked. I have found my balance and to be honest my timing has not returned so my balance is not 100% in a canter or gallop. But I am getting there.

I am facing my fear of falling. Taking it small steps at a time. Horse riding is not what I fear it is the moment I fall that my fear becomes a truth. The fear of losing the ability to care for myself. to not be able to walk or drive or stand. I had the scare of my life. That turned me into  a safety freak.

I was so wild I got on anything that could go fast. Caring about nothing but the thrill of adrenaline running through me. I still have that moments climbing into a car that can go faster than permitted. When I climb into my friend’s sports car or truck. I want to feel alive that  moments that I throw caution at the wind and see where this might go.

But what I wanted to say is that facing my fear has made me a stronger person. The fear is still there and it might never go away but at least I am facing them head on step by step.w-eb925d222e

Part 3 – exile

Part 2

Franco

We all knew that there was a reason for Keldrick going to the south. She was the reason. And a pretty good reason if I do say so myself.

“Franco, I called you here to seek my daughter or so does my dear companion declare that I have. I need to know if she is real. For I know you will find her, you are the best at what you do and that is track I have heard of your skill and talent. “

Watching the woman walk impatient from the window to her seat where she was when I entered made me wonder what was going on.

“If I may ask why does your excellence need me if the mother is here to tell of her where a bouts?”

King Keldrick took a long pose before looking straight at me.

“She has no idée where her daughter has gone and that makes you employed, for I need to find her.”

Keeping my mind on the target and not looking into the woman’s eyes I got a pretty good picture of what I may be searching for and if she had any of her mothers’ looks she would be some thing to look at, at least.

Looking back at the king I could not think what she saw in him to even let him touch her. This is not a good thing I felt my gut tell me something is wrong with this picture. She looked like a concerned mother, but not hysterical like his mother was that night he was kidnapped by his own father. Trying hard not to make the memories come back I nodded my head in agreement to something the king said.

Chendrika

The following week I worked on my skills alone I had to be fighting fit pushing my limits further than ever before, the magic powers are to new to even test and I have no idée where to begin. Maybe I should seek this witchdoctor and maybe just maybe he could help me train and practice my powers.

Where do I begin…?

Early mornings I did quick recaps of all the traps to reinsure they are in tack and ready for visitors and by the time I get to the hut it is almost midday. Some of the traps got me a meal or two for the week that has passed on fast. Physically fitness was at its top point and I was satisfied by the time it only took to be ready for a journey. My damn ankle didn’t last and I busted it so severe that it was unbearable to even stand on the way back to the hut. But this gave me time to read and search for clues that my mum mentioned to me before she disappeared. Knowing that Keldrick had her made shivers down my spine. The bare thought of him as my father made me sick to my stomach.

The bookshelves were crooked but stable enough to hold books I have read a thousand times over and over.

The one of Glimeit and Friadolle was an old time favourite. What a romantic but powerful story, I would love to be loved by someone like Glimeit he is a perfect hero with the perfect life. Grew up strong and in depended. Friadolle, maiden with the beauty many desired and was fancied by many men. The ending was just tragic; death was the ultimate loss payed for the life of a loved one.

Time is all I needed to get everything ready.

The few books on maps I found help to extend of how far and how long my journey might be depending on what obstacles’ I shall face. The real mystery to me was the way some of the pages was torn from some books and every now and again find the missing page in another book  or just a piece of a page.

This might be clues and answers to what I have been asking and searching for.

The next few days seemed to last forever. Finally I could move and make tracks for the traps, allot could have happened in this few days I was out of action. The swing trap was still in tacked. The rope is in place and the club in the tree. At the seventh trap I got suspicious there where tracks but it dodged al the possible ways to be caught. Just one pair of tracks was made.

First attempt – part 2 continue

So I know it has been a while since my last post but honestly I have been quit busy.  I added another part of my own writing so feel free to reed the first Prologue  and part 1

 

continue

The old hut my grandpa took me to every weekend for fighting training was the only place I
could think of to hide myself for now. Before grandpa’s death he told me of the witchdoctor that made
a magic barrier between the two valleys and that no one could enter except us. That if you have never
been here, you would never find it. How long this spell will last is utterly unpredictable so I am taking
my chances with this. The road was just as I remembered all the way up to the hut. Boo-bee traps that
my grandpa taught me to look for and to make.

How I miss him so.

The first weekend up here came back like it was only yesterday.

“Cendricka, are you listening to what I have told you girl.”

“Yes, Grandpa. We have to get through the woods only on the west side. The road is off limits to take
because of the many boo-bee traps. The traps are for people to stay away. But Grandpa won’t people
be more interested in coming up to the hut because of the boo-pee traps?”

“That is why we made them like hunters traps.”

I was confused but after much explaining my grandpa finally got through my thick scull. He taught
me how to make these traps.

“You must learn this at heart Cendricka. These will give you time even though you feel in ‘n tight
spot.”

The art of rope tying and trap covering was lessons hard learned. If you don’t pay attention, you might
as well fall into your own traps. Bruises and lots of pain later I could identify all the traps made and
where it would not be forth coming to see or look for.

Fighting skills made me fast, flexible and more. Years of training of agonizing pain paid off. The way
moving ones whole body determent the strength of power you placed in your fight from you kicks to
your punches every move must flow and be like one movement.

Time was what I was working for and these pass of traps is not going to be easy, known trade secret
is the sign or mark that indicates where the traps are. It’s been months since I was last here. And the
thought crossed my mind ‘what if I stepped on my own boo-bee trap.’

Damp smells came to my nose as I opened up the door. Reminding me of how long ago I have been
here last. But getting to the hut was not an easy task like I predicted. The one trap after the other I just
made sure I didn’t get caught and where they were placed. Some needed adjusting but I had not had
the time to linger. The few candles left will hold for a few nights if used wisely. And if I could scout
back to the village maybe there would be some things I could use for my stay here.

I could still hear the screams in my sleep. I tried to get some shut eye but was awaken by a face I
think could be my fathers’. I was terrified of what I saw every time I tried to dose off. Grandpa did
tell me some of the royal can seek their offspring through the encounter of their magic being born
and afterwards to check up on them till they reach full age of twenty-one that is still five years to go
for me so I must not sleep just relax and be aware, maybe he can’t get to me by avoiding this special

hours of sleep. Maybe it is the only way to stay as far as possible for as long as possible. Maybe…

The cold air outside made my body shiver, but keeping in mind that I am on the run, adrenalin made
me forget about everything.

Franco

Taking careful stepping up towards the path with the overgrowth of grass and trees I seem to feel
as if there is something wrong with this picture. My gut was never wrong about these things. My
mind wondered to just few days ago when I traveled from the kingdom to seek the princess for king
Keldrick. Her mother was a sight to see beauty like no other could compare. The green eyes looked
into your soul and the rosy lips where inviting. Her skin like river rocks smooth and tanned. Blond
hair so long and thick it made a waterfall over her shoulders and back.

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We are the hero of our own story.
Mary McCarthy

First attempt – continue

If you have not yet read the prologue please do Prologue

Chapter 1

I got away by a stroke of luck – the Guards were there in a flash. Why, I should know by now. Magic.  Keldrick send out a spell of movement to transport objects, in this case people, to where he has been before.

And he was here before – the small village of people were gathered to the assembly in the middle of our village big open space with four ground roads that met in the middle. In the small hole behind shelve down in the basement of the hut. I crawled into pressing my body hard against the wall. This was one of my grandpa’s ideas; he thought of in his crazy life time was just handy. Made the perfect hiding spot for my petite figure, as if it was made just for me and maybe it was. Yes, I am the only girl with a small frame. That is what made me stand out between all the other kids. They were strong and big like fighters, build to defend all and defeat the enemy. I was kind of the runt of the litter so to speak.

Never got why I was different till grandpa told me the truth about my birth and the secret kept so I would survive.

Okay, back to me and the wait in the hole. That was agonizing. I could hear people shout and scream. Whips slashed something or someone. These people protected my secret and died as the legend foretold years before my birth.

Tears rolled down my face leaving only trails on my dusty cheeks. I saw death and despair and it made me scared for what I must face sooner than I thought.

I wished it will all stop and that I was at home with grandpa and mum. The screams tore through me every time, followed by orders the superior shouted. I squeezed even tighter into the hole fearing they would see me or find me if I am not able to shrink myself smaller.

The sound faded and came back time and time again. I heard mothers plead and children crying. The ground trembled and made everything fall around me. Doors were opened and slammed shut all over and things where thrown to the ground, breaking in to pieces.

It felt like ages passed, when finally, there was just silence. It was so quiet I could hear my heart beating. The little village seemed at peace, a sleep or deserted in this case. Waiting a little longer for the silence to take place I finally crept out of the hole to seek life.

Dead bodies all in a pile and the smell of death came to me. My stomach turned with disgust at the smell of burning flesh. My feet become heavy, not wanting to move. The scene that my eyes took in was like a bad nightmare that had a fearful ending. Wake up is all my mind could think of. Wake up, it is only a dream.

The wind blew the stench past me, making it more real than any dream could. Goosebumps were all over me in seconds. In the past I have only heard of massacres. Tonight I see it.

My brain told me to get moving, for there could be more guards lurking just to make sure the grounds are all covered and that I was not part of the slaughter. My feet still didn’t want to make any movement till my ears heard voices.

Guards. o shit.

Move. My brain took charge of my body and it was like gas on fire.

My mind went to just hours before when Chan and I was alone in the woods when I gave him myself. He could have been gentler but who was I kidding? Men were hard and ruthless when it came to any part of their lives, especially to the sex part. It was like their release in life, like their sanctuary. The roughness still imprinted in my mind was like a horrible reminder of what not to do when having sex… He didn’t even try to be romantic like in the stories I have read. The hero saves his girl and takes her to bed quite romantically. With anticipation the girl gets bedded by a sweet, soft and masculine hero.  I could kick his ass for not trying harder after all I told him how I dreamed it would be like a thousand times. Men – can’t even trust them with a small task like that. Pain I felt until something happened…

Chan didn’t know what hit him when my powers were born. It was like a force that pushed him away. It pushed him so hard he flew through the air, landing on his back and moaning of the pain coming seconds after that. I was more shocked than anything else. A delightful feeling had filled my body from the tips of my toes and fingertips and the sensation began running up to my head. It felt like someone tracing soft feathers over your body over and over. The tinkling stopped making a weird feeling creep up my spine, the next moment Chan was running for the village leaving me alone in all my nakedness. I still don’t know how Chan got away so fast with all his clothes on.

Trying hard to get myself in order I walked as fast as possible to the village to get home and over the humiliation of the act that happen in the woods. I needed food and lots of it.

Well the next few moment past in a blur when mum shuffled me towards the hole that Grandpa made.

“Go, Cendricka, go hide don’t come out before everything is over. Then run fast as you can to the hut. Your other questions will be answered there.”

Only with a quick hug and “I love you”, my mum was gone.

The pain that went through me with every scream and cry came back, making me move faster to the hut. New tears made their way down my cheeks with every memory of what just happened a few minutes ago.




“You have to write the book that wants to be written. And if the book will be too difficult for grown-ups, then you write it for children.”
Madeleine L’Engle