Facing my fears…

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So on my birthday this year I faced my biggest fear. Climbing back into the saddle. I got into the saddle with my nerves shot high and fear of falling again flowing through me.

Twelve Years ago I had the biggest scare of my life. Falling from a horse hitting the ground full on my coccyx. I have fallen plenty of times of a horse before but this time it was different. The ground came fast and hard and in that moment I felt a sharp pain only not to feel anything from my waist down. When you don’t feel your legs even if you try hard enough you can’t move your toes. You only think one thing I am parallelized. I shall never be able to do anything.

When the pricking sensation returns in waves of pain minutes after the shock of maybe losing my ability to walk returned I cried in relief. I wasn’t parallelized. I wanted to stand up and dance but the weakness in my legs were what kept me from moving.

After everyone got me up and in the car to the doctor’s office the adrenaline subsided. And the pain that went through me in that half hour before the doctor gave me a shot of pain medication was the worst. My legs rattled as if I had never stopped riding for hours. The feeling coming and going in my legs.

The x-rays showed I fractured my coccyx to a clean fracture, no surgery necessary. Not to bad but I should stay away from falling again due to it could get worse. After that I had to rest for 8 weeks. Icing my backside for 20 minutes every 3 hours or when the pain medication didn’t kick in.

I cried many nights when the pain wasn’t bearable anymore. Seven moths past and the pain was only when I sat wrong a spike like needle pain would go up my spine from my coccyx up to my brain stem. Winter months were or are the worst cause the cold lays on the injuries making them harder to move or when you move painful.

So with the years I just forgot about horse riding, bike riding, running, sports and anything that could cause me to fall and break my coccyx. I played it save. My new friends can’t believe the stories about me when I tell them of how a wild child I was. My friends that was there the day it happened knows about the before me and the new me.

So for my 27 birthday this year my sister made me go to one of the local horse trainers. They are our friends for years now. Dominique was there the day I had my fall. And she knows about my fear. But we still went to get back in the saddle.

With some courage and persuasion I got up the horse. Fear of falling made me clench down on the rains and lock my heals. Dangerous for myself and for the horse. I got so tensed they wanted to get me off. But my sister kept on pushing me to relax and stay on.h5374C325

Eventually after my legs felt like jelly I relaxed and the ride became pleasant. My balance was no where to be found that day. The fear is still in the back of my mind. I got off after 15 min. My legs weak and my body shaking I went home with adrenaline pumping through my veins.

I have been there a total of 6 times after that I am still tense when the horse tries to go faster or gets a bit stubborn. The fear of falling makes me numb but the adrenaline rush I get from the ride has me hooked. I have found my balance and to be honest my timing has not returned so my balance is not 100% in a canter or gallop. But I am getting there.

I am facing my fear of falling. Taking it small steps at a time. Horse riding is not what I fear it is the moment I fall that my fear becomes a truth. The fear of losing the ability to care for myself. to not be able to walk or drive or stand. I had the scare of my life. That turned me into  a safety freak.

I was so wild I got on anything that could go fast. Caring about nothing but the thrill of adrenaline running through me. I still have that moments climbing into a car that can go faster than permitted. When I climb into my friend’s sports car or truck. I want to feel alive that  moments that I throw caution at the wind and see where this might go.

But what I wanted to say is that facing my fear has made me a stronger person. The fear is still there and it might never go away but at least I am facing them head on step by step.w-eb925d222e

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