Crushing on someone….. why it can’t work and is there love out there????

Finally getting time to write and it feels like ages since I have last been on this site. So quick recap on what has been going on.

Work. Work. Work and ..uhm work. Welcome to my dull life.

 

Okay I am admitting it. I have a crush and it is making me go mad inside out…

The problem is it is NEVER going to work. How do I know this? Cause I do have eyes and I can see that if there was a mere chance of this being something it would end in disaster.

When people encourage the fact that you might feel something for someone more than friends, don’t go on it cause stalking is WEIRD…

May it be on a online or in real life. It can be seen as not harmful but sooner or later it may cause you to over annualized and  over react when that person is near. Trying to be near to him/her when you share company. often looking their way to see a glimpse of what you think you want more than anything. Freaking out to never be near you again is the end result.

Now for the person being stalked, it is flattering in the beginning then it begins so become a hassle to live with before getting scary like some of the shows on CRIME CHANNEL. My BFF tried to kill me. Stalkers.

Scary as in they begin to think that you are capable of that if it is not stopped, but the bad thing about this is that it is done in the wrong ways 70% of the time.

Taking in consideration that each and every situation is different it all comes to the same point. Do you really want to be the WEIRDO and outcast of everybody.

There are so many ways of stalking it is scary to think it is happening every second of everyday. It might be you or your best friend or some stranger doing it. So take caution and think before you take crushing on someone to the next level.

Back to the part of people/friends telling you that your crush has feelings for you after they find out about the crush bit. It is astoundingly the worst advice someone can give you but it is kind of reassurance that you are not in a bottomless pit. I have given that speech about a few times that time will tell and so on but in the end. What matters most is that if you guys were meant to be it would happen.

Don’t push the envelope cause you can’t wait for the RIGHT ONE, you might find that you can burn easily. Other than disappointment there will be regret, shame and dread. But the heart ache always seems to last only for as long as you are still fascinated by that person. Until the next one comes along…

They say that falling in LOVE is like taking a leap and trusting that you don’t fall. But is crushing really love? Does it really compare to true love? Some have proved to me that when you fall in love with someone it can start with a crush and end in happy ever after. But that is like one 1 out of 7 that it can happen to (guessing here the number can be higher in the odds of it happening.)

So is it love or just FASCINATION? What is the difference? so I ask something different – why do people fall out of love so quickly? Is it because of mistaken fascination as love? Another why is Divorce rate so high over the world? Is it because of society placing the perfect wife or husband and people fall for image more than what their hearts want?

Why do I need to fit in the cookie cutter? Be another clone to  become a Stepford wife. I have to say that people would use the word NORMAL now, but it is not normal? Sure we have the right to see who we want but it is all a lie. If it is not about social status it is about what you look like. What happen to don’t judge a book by its cover? Is it wrong for a girl that is a few pounds over weight or totally over weight to get the hot guy with muscles. And the geeky girl with glasses get the hot party guy. What about the science guy finding love with a hot model or a comic con guy finding it with a beauty queen. Or is it to remain fantasy for so many?

ANSWER.…. It wouldn’t work socially. Really!!! Do you know them all personally? Did you date one of them cause how can you tell me that it is not acceptable for any of these people that are seen as incompatible can’t date or even love? Social media has made it mostly impossible for more than half the world to function without the guideline about who to date and what to avoid.

Dating…. Social media and networks are the future dating sites. You don’t need to go out on a date to get to know someone. just login and STALK their profile. Easy fast and best place to avoid any awkward moments or even taking the risk of finding true love.

“O no I wouldn’t date him look at his profile pic. And there is no selfies…. ”

Ahg don’t get it. Just cause he is not photogenic doesn’t mean he is not the person for you. What about you? Do you think you are online dating worthy? Is there not someone out there now looking at your profile and thinking that you are undated-able? How would you know?

Or….

Do you Like the face to face date that makes everything WORTH going through? That just maybe love will come unexpectedly….

So the big question now is how do you KNOW if it is love or just a crush?

Think about it………

———————————————————————————————————

“It’s like I’m thirteen again and he’s my crush. All I’m aware of in this entire roomful of people is him. Where he is, what he’s doing, who he’s talking to.”
― Sophie Kinsella, Remember Me?

“He barely knew I existed. I knew some of the same people he knew, but I was a girl in the background, several degrees of seperation removed.”
― Rick Yancey, The 5th Wave

“Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.”
― Hilary Duff

““…we’re all fucking Duffs.”
(Designated Ugly Fat Friend)
“I’m not the Duff,” Wesley said confidently.
“That’s because you don’t have friends.” (Bianca)
“Oh. Right.””
― Kody Keplinger, The DUFF: Designated Ugly Fat Friend

Happy – Well I am I think

HEYYYYYY!!!! I know it has been a while since my last post but I have been extremely busy. Really busy that if I got home at a decent hour I pass out as soon as my head hit the pillow.

So I have good news and I have good news. So the good news is that I am on the verge to write the end of my first book still ten thousand words but the end is near. It is the first book that I will have written and finished. Just so you know I have put half of it on wattpad.POP STAR PRINCESS, go check it out and feel free to comment.

Then I am one of the co-writers of IN TOO DEEP. And I am loving it please go read and vote. So that is the good news.

I know not that exiting but sure a big turn in my life. Just wanted to share my happiness with all.

Love, love…. O no

I know it has been a while since my last post but due to good reason

I have been busy the last couple of weeks with my best friends wedding, My sisters Matric farewell(Prom) and my mother’s surprise birthday party. So had hardly any time for myself. Now that things have settled down and I can have a few moments to recap and rethink everything.  Sometime ago my life was turned up side down by a guy that shall not have a name due to knowledge of knowing it is him I will have to change my name and move away.

But with my life on the roller coaster ride from emotions going through me I can not make the right decisions at all.

To start at the beginning is to track back years and years ago when two kids didn’t know what real love is. And growing up and seeing each other on a daily basis didn’t stir the love pot yet.

Something made that vial drop, making me want him more then I want him to be my friend.

Why is it him that makes my heart race? Couldn’t it be someone else. Okay so being the whole drama avoidance squad I tried to make it seem like everything is okay. With out any success. he picked up on my discomfort and distance seconds after I arrived to one of the normal get together. That is how well he knows me. I swear if i wasn’t so afraid of what he might think I would have opened my mouth and sealed the deal with a kiss. But being me I shut it up and tried not to attract attention to my dilemma.

He still acted normal around me for long after I relies-ed I have more then friendship in mind with him. What if this is one sided? It has one through my mind countless times . To make things worse I have been in his presence a lot over the last few weeks more and more I get that I might be falling hard for a friend that I have always thought of as a brother.

Love comes in different shapes and sizes. It comes when you least expect it to happen to you. I have maid the mistake to walk away from the person I liked so much to prevent heart ache for myself. I don’t want to walk away from these feelings, I really don’t but what if this is just one sided and I loose him forever?

I Only have one thing that I a scared of and the thing that scares me most is rejection.

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”

Lao Tzu

Snow angels don’t come out perfect – short story continue

continue…

The flight went on better than I would imagine. With no other disasters to fill my all ready long list we landed in France (city name). The short ride to the cabin was over flown with plan making from the parents. Making it clear that we could do what we want but had to be present for dinner every night. I was not much into the idée of sharing my day to day doings but to keep the mood happy I agreed to the many rules. Quietly making my own mental list of rules as the excitement in the SUV build amongst the parents.

1. Try not to make a fool of myself
2. Be cool and collected
3. Get a romantic affair going with a guy
4. Get Al out of my head
5. Lock bathroom door when occupied in it.
6. Get as much time on the snow

Feeling more in control with myself and what laid before me in the next three weeks I got excited for the first time on this trip. Not letting myself waist the time I get to do something I love the most. Snowboarding.  Dad taught me everything I could possible be able to know and on that board I am not weird Amy or clumsy Amy. I am extreme Amy.

“I can’t believe we are finally here. Now to get things going, Amelia” The use of my full name was my dad’s way to warn me. “I would like to talk to you after you unpacked.” “Yes Dad.” I walked down the hallway to my room. Feeling a little jet lagged was not stopping me to get dressed more warmly for my first snow date. I wanted badly to get out there and feel freedom.

“Amelia, I know you are not at all happy with this vacation but please try to make it enjoyable. And knowing you well I am not going to preach about it long. But before you go and make fools of the other boarders. Please be save and I love you. Okay.”

“I love you too Dad. Thank you I will try to do so.”

Almost racing for the door to get my freedom I craved for just to be stopped. Celia (Allen’s mom) wanted help with some groceries that the keeper of the house bought. ‘Argh. Why’ Reluctant I went to help. Freedom was only inches away. Before she could think to give me more work I was out the door yelling over my shoulder “I shall be back for dinner.”

Snow angels don’t come out perfect – short story

Chapter 1

‘I am Normal’ repeating the words in my head over and over.

“Who am I trying to kid.” saying it out load made it a reality. I am weird. After over hearing  Allen “Al” MaCoy, my crush, making that statement “She is weird.” to his friends. It stuck in my head. He didn’t think much of me now and being cooped up for three weeks in France at Les Ménuires Ski  resort. He might just think the worst of me. Just cause my father and his mother was taking us on a family vacation. That was the only reason he would have contact with me.

Al’s mom is great and makes my dad very happy so far I could see. Cause I am living with my mom most of the time, and get to go with dad on vacations and some weekends. That was always fun until a year ago when Al became my stepbrother, that I have a crush on. To be fair I have had feelings for him long before he was kinda related to me. We are both in collage away from home. Not helping to be the same one but if I do get to see him it was because of something he had to give me from the parents. 

My vacation started with a horrid episode. Al saw me naked! O my gosh (OMG) He just walked into the bathroom when my knickers hit the floor. I was in shock and yelled a delayed scream that made him smile and walk out before my dad was up stairs. Mortified and feeling self conscious on what happened that morning i tried hiding behind big sun glasses.

To make maters worse for me – we were sitting next to each other for at least  seven hours flight to France .  Trying hard to not think of him, trying harder not to make a fool of myself again. I made an attempt to  snuggled deeper into my seat, retrieving my iPod from my hoodies pocket and putting up the volume as the pilot announces our departure.

Some few moments later I felt like someone is staring at me and knew it was Al. When I looked up to meet his stare I felt the butterflies go rapid in my gut as he smiled at me. Surely remembering that he saw me butt naked and screaming. He found it amusing. Some how he removed my earphones and started talking. It was like this morning didn’t happen as he just kept talking more about the slopes and tricks. I jerked back against my seat. It was the only way that I could stop myself. I wanted to run my fingers across his strong jaw to his straight dark hair hanging just a little over his ears. I am weird. He looked at me puzzled.

” Are you okay?” he asked with another smirk on his face.” Ya sure just…it is nothing.” My father must of seen it an his concern stare came from across the path that separated us from them. “You sure honey.” Feeling lot more weirder I just sink down in my seat wishing the flight was over. “Yes Dad I am fine just a little tired.” Hoping this statement would save me from dad and Al. But Al kept looking at me with some face, I could have said would be “you’re Weird”

to be continued

Dating my best friend is not that hard, I think?

After the party and the amazing snogging under the oak tree.I was sure that my heart made its decision on who it truly loved. Fred was taking me on our first date. I was kind of nerves and checking the clock now and again. Wondering why time is going so slowly.

The drive to the movie was silent and felt awkward but when one of my favorite songs started playing on the radio I just had to sing along. He starting laughing and I was blushing like a red robot light. I wanted to talk but the butterflies in me was giving me trills and my tong being totally twisted didn’t help either. Some how it was strange to go from friends to boy/girlfriend. Looking for some sign that this was not a mistake. The feeling inside me is still new and made me scared to tell him everything. How did we move so quick from telling each other everything to  simple “Hey”.

Worrying about what is really going on I didn’t notice that we where at the cinema. When I came to open the door for me I snapped back to reality taking the hand that he was holding out for me with more blushing and soft “Thank you” whisper. Not letting me go he pulled me back against him. Lowering his head I just closed my eyes. Waiting for his lips to touch mine. Feeling his breath as he says “Relax” before taking my mouth hostage. WOW my toes are curling and my heart is like a racehorse going fast. Not wanting him to let go I pull him closer to deepen the kiss.

If it was up to me I would have not moved but he leaded me to the movie. I am still craving his lips to be on mine. Through the movie he placed his arms around my shoulders tacking me in by his side. I felt his fingers playing with my hair or rubbing my shoulder. His other hand found mine and was playing with my fingers. I guess he has no idea what this little bit of touching does to my body. Reminding myself that we are in a public place was not helping the need for him  to touch my lips.

It felt like ages when the end was showing and don’t even ask me what the movie was I would have to lie because I don’t remember. I rushed him on so we could get out of there. I wanted him all alone my mind was losing control and I wanted to kiss him like there is no tomorrow. He saw my eye’s and smiled. A devilish smile. No! what! wait!  Just kiss me all ready.

Making out in the drive way was not that romantic but sure as hell beats not being kissed by this guy. Letting go was not an option.

Party – kissing under the oak tree – Continue

With my heart doing somersaults and my eyes big from the fright that the curl of his mouth caught my attention immediately.  Kissable lips that would make a girl crave more of its touch when lingering inch from her own lips. Feeling a blush taking my cool collected look out of play. He had said something but my mind was not functioning at all. It made a small effort but all I could think and wanted to do is kiss him. In my head Sebastian was singing  ‘kiss the boy’ (little mermaid.)

And some how Ted had join our group without me even noticing. His shoulder was rubbing softly against mine while turning to listen to Fred or the other guy that seemed familiar. It didn’t bother him at all, standing so close. Yet he is so far.  When all of their eyes were on me I was turning redder not knowing what was said. I was wishing that the earth would swallow me at that moment. Laughter filled the room and Ted’s arm was draped over my shoulders. Holding me tight to his side.  Feeling save and so right to be under his wing. Just hoping he doesn’t feel my body shaking and trembling from his touch. The sound of my name made me frown.

Who would dare take me out of my dream when it was getting so good. Except it was not a dream and with a puzzled look at the person calling me the spell was broken. The girl that had been so rude to take me from paradise dream to reality was non other then Ted’s ex girl friend.

If looks could kill I would have been dead right there. She gave everyone, one of her perfect fake smile  and with husky voice called Ted’s attention to her. I am burning up inside just  from her lack of humanity. She could charm the whole lot with perfect words and looks. Not even caring who she hurts in the proses.

Fred was now close to me and with his hand covering – the now open space where Ted’s arm was – my neck. Fingers rubbing soft against my hair. Just another shot of shivers went down my spine. Good grief it felt like my body is on fire. I felt a soft push at my back. Fred was talking and taking me outside. I listened while he talked, taking in what he felt and feeling his body so close made me want to kiss him. Before he could finish what he wanted to say I laid a finger on his lips replacing them with my lips seconds later.
Second kiss was even better then the first (at least for me). Kissing under the oak tree, where we played years before. in witch we build forts and learned to dance. he deepened the kiss before pulling away to look at me. Our eyes met.

Could it be that I have been blind by Friend zoning  some one like Fred or was I just to determent to have Ted that I had not notice my best friend?

Party – kissing under the oak tree

Round2 – When I looked at myself in the mirror my heart was racing all over again. The tingle in my lips where there as if he just kissed me. My best friend kissed me just days ago (Lets make it easy his name will be Fred aka best friend) His cousin invited me just minutes ago to a party. (will call him Ted aka Cousin and crush)

What did I get myself into. I can’t say a love triangle even if it may sound like it but I have no idea what Ted feels for me and not even thinking of Fred. My whole world was turned upside down with that kiss. Why had it effected me so much. Pulling at my hair and curling them once more. Wearing jeans and a shirt I made my way to the party. I felt like a teenager again all butterfly stomach and my heart was sitting in my throat making my gulp and swallow hard. Before I could change my mind some of our mutual friends was behind me talking and greeting. Almost like it is fate giving me a push to go through with all this.

After almost running to the restroom I caught a little bit of my breath and giving myself a pep talk was not really reassuring even coming from myself. My eyes searched for them not wanting to be confronted before I was even a slight bit better with my own thoughts and heart.

I was startled by a hand that landed on my shoulder. Fred!!

To be continued…

Mr Right or Mr Right Now

♫”Just give me a reason
Just a little bit’s enough
Just a second we’re not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It’s in the stars
It’s been written in the scars on our hearts
We’re not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again” ♫

Listening to P!nks song on her new album I found myself going through old boxes of “stuff” (my English teacher would say that there is no such word as ‘Stuff’ in the oxford dictionary.) Well this stuff made my mind wonder to the last few years and each item has a story to tell. A teddy bear, photo’s, pictures, letters, etc. Then I found it – my old diary. Quickly paging through it to see if it had any important items lodge into it and near the end I found a drawing with hearts and love words written everywhere on the page. I declared on this piece of paper my love to a High school crush. (butterflies and red cheeks) O my gosh, I was head over heals for this guy.

I started to laugh at myself remembering what a nervous wreck I was in his presence. Always eager to learn something new from or about him . Hurt if he didn’t notice a change in me. (I think he did know I liked him a lot.) But as I got older the teenager crushes became a thing of the past (still had a crush or two but not as big as my first) Dating guys that I in secret compared to my first ‘love'(crush).

Single – a word that some people fear as a relationship status and is what all at some point want to be.(give or take the relationship their in) Finding that I was searching for Mr Right and always thinking I have found him. Just to be disappointed to find that I got my self Mr right now. Looking at my past relationships with the opposite sex I could see why I had short lived relationships in the last 10 years. He who I shall not name was my Mr Right or so I thought at that time. I had compared my relationships with guys to him. (sigh)

Well to be frank some girls(if not all girls/women and boy/men) have a list of what they want in a partner or relationship. Some women denying it by stating they just want true love with… (but here it comes)  a man that will be with her. (first requirement or first on the list) then comes the looks department. The list may it be short or long we all have are pro’s and con’s of what we like and don’t like. We go and find our list relationship (Mr right – according to what we want and not what really need) ending up with Mr right now. Happy at the start then comes the differences, the fights, the heart ache to finally end in a breakup. We settle most of the time for Mr right now thinking he is Mr right. Dreading the single status as we get older making Mr right now a Mr right.

I thought that finding the right guy  was according to my specifications but I hit the ground hard with that assumption. The last few guys I dated was to my liking because they fitted into my list to just be rudely awaken weeks later that it was not meant to be for me and him.

I have been single for sometime now. You could say I am happy at times but not always. (It does get kind of lonely sometimes) but I decided that I am waiting upon Mr Right and not going to settle for Mr right now.

Always choose happiness. never settle  – unknown