Facing my fears…

Hey guys.

So on my birthday this year I faced my biggest fear. Climbing back into the saddle. I got into the saddle with my nerves shot high and fear of falling again flowing through me.

Twelve Years ago I had the biggest scare of my life. Falling from a horse hitting the ground full on my coccyx. I have fallen plenty of times of a horse before but this time it was different. The ground came fast and hard and in that moment I felt a sharp pain only not to feel anything from my waist down. When you don’t feel your legs even if you try hard enough you can’t move your toes. You only think one thing I am parallelized. I shall never be able to do anything.

When the pricking sensation returns in waves of pain minutes after the shock of maybe losing my ability to walk returned I cried in relief. I wasn’t parallelized. I wanted to stand up and dance but the weakness in my legs were what kept me from moving.

After everyone got me up and in the car to the doctor’s office the adrenaline subsided. And the pain that went through me in that half hour before the doctor gave me a shot of pain medication was the worst. My legs rattled as if I had never stopped riding for hours. The feeling coming and going in my legs.

The x-rays showed I fractured my coccyx to a clean fracture, no surgery necessary. Not to bad but I should stay away from falling again due to it could get worse. After that I had to rest for 8 weeks. Icing my backside for 20 minutes every 3 hours or when the pain medication didn’t kick in.

I cried many nights when the pain wasn’t bearable anymore. Seven moths past and the pain was only when I sat wrong a spike like needle pain would go up my spine from my coccyx up to my brain stem. Winter months were or are the worst cause the cold lays on the injuries making them harder to move or when you move painful.

So with the years I just forgot about horse riding, bike riding, running, sports and anything that could cause me to fall and break my coccyx. I played it save. My new friends can’t believe the stories about me when I tell them of how a wild child I was. My friends that was there the day it happened knows about the before me and the new me.

So for my 27 birthday this year my sister made me go to one of the local horse trainers. They are our friends for years now. Dominique was there the day I had my fall. And she knows about my fear. But we still went to get back in the saddle.

With some courage and persuasion I got up the horse. Fear of falling made me clench down on the rains and lock my heals. Dangerous for myself and for the horse. I got so tensed they wanted to get me off. But my sister kept on pushing me to relax and stay on.

Eventually after my legs felt like jelly I relaxed and the ride became pleasant. My balance was no where to be found that day. The fear is still in the back of my mind. I got off after 15 min. My legs weak and my body shaking I went home with adrenaline pumping through my veins.

I have been there a total of 6 times after that I am still tense when the horse tries to go faster or gets a bit stubborn. The fear of falling makes me numb but the adrenaline rush I get from the ride has me hooked. I have found my balance and to be honest my timing has not returned so my balance is not 100% in a canter or gallop. But I am getting there.

I am facing my fear of falling. Taking it small steps at a time. Horse riding is not what I fear it is the moment I fall that my fear becomes a truth. The fear of losing the ability to care for myself. to not be able to walk or drive or stand. I had the scare of my life. That turned me into  a safety freak.

I was so wild I got on anything that could go fast. Caring about nothing but the thrill of adrenaline running through me. I still have that moments climbing into a car that can go faster than permitted. When I climb into my friend’s sports car or truck. I want to feel alive that  moments that I throw caution at the wind and see where this might go.

But what I wanted to say is that facing my fear has made me a stronger person. The fear is still there and it might never go away but at least I am facing them head on step by step.

VLOG??!!

It has been quite the adventure up to now for me and I know I have been kind of to busy to post any blogs. But I might have found a new way of communicating faster.

VLOG!!

Yes I know some people like to read what is really going on than hearing someone talk and talk and talk a lot of bull. So I made the indication as follows that I might give you a little of reading and a little of video.

Or I might not even try it. (depends on how I feel when I do the recap.) But to get back to the hole video thing and what gave me the idea that this might work is I have been browsing Youtube for years now and everybody has either a make up tutorial or how to do things, even book critics.

So it had me thinking. What made them do it??? is it cause someone told them that they can give great advice or is it self thought? Well guess 90% would be cause people  have made them feel that they have made a difference in others lives.

A difference that I have seen in my life was also due to some people out there making people’s lives easier with their vlogs. I mean I use to spend hours doing things and only to find that I could have saved time by thinking.

I am using a daily minor thing that teenager girls struggle with when doing their hair and trying to pin the hair up with a bobby pin – hassle is that it doesn’t want to stay there even after putting another one there.

You lose a few along the way making hair style disasters happen frequently. I got saved by live hassles hair and make up to only face-palm myself for not thinking of that.

Hairspray.

Easy hell yes I have no hassles with bobby pins falling out or not even keeping up the hair.

this is just one of many that people around the world have made to help others in their struggles.

Everybody is like lets make a video and it would be so cool if we could help someone but it ain’t working. People say stupid things and do more stupid thing.

I know that I like to listen to people and help them with emotional and logical. Almost like a therapist but not qualified to subscribe you some medication (smile).

I like to hear about peoples problems and try to give them advice or support when they need it.

So I am sort of giving myself the opportunity to tell you guys that I am willing to listen if you are willing to talk.

If you want to talk give me a comment or leave a message.

I just might use my vlog NEXT TIME.

 

Comparing the old with the new?

Hey to all reading this,

I was at a party this weekend to celebrate not only my but also three of my friends birthdays…

But that is not what I am blogging about today. It was something that was said at the party that had me thinking. Do people compare their previous partner with there recent one and is there a possibility that people have a dating preference, like the check list but subconsciously.

My friend Anika and I talked about it for quite sometime that night and we came to the conclusion that there are patterns. Like I only dated guys that has a C in his name or begins with it. Where she finds guys attractive that has a h in there name. (Crush on them) and it is all subconscious as if your brain wants to find that letter and make a spark. 

Could it be that we have stumbled onto something that changes who we choose. So what does this mean? We have got to the point to say okay maybe this could be linked. What are odds that there is always the same letter in the name or that starts with it? one out of a billion right. So it can be, or can it? Can there be a pattern, making you choose one letter from the alphabet and that is search by your brain in the name and surname to feel more attracted to a person?

What if it is possible? you mind works hard and helps your heart to choose the right person. By taking a letter and making it a plus in the blood rising and tingles in your stomach?

I don’t know but am trying to find out.

Now I am baffled by all the info storming in my head from the total possible patterns that one person can have. The possible combinations and patterns that your brain can follow to choosing the right partner for you.

First one is the overall looks….

You can deny it as much as you want but in the looks department everybody wants something that will attract them to their other half. And this list can be endless. (some want a Barbie or Ken looking person. Perfect on the outside.)

That list you made of the perfect man/woman.

Hair….. that what color, length, style etc.

Body…. type, shape, skin, length etc.

eyes, ears, mouth, nose, etc.

(Can you see the pattern here be it that the only thing resembling the previous partner may be eyes or hands but the fiscal pattern is as clear as daylight. be it like that guy only dates blonds or girls with tanned skin.)

But unfortunately we all have flaws, be it acne or one extra toe. Even thought it has that perfect vision of the perfect person you  might only get 80 or 20 percent of what you want. So you can’t get a hundred score here but does this  pattern not lean on the might date again cause you have got the looks I want in a partner but not the personality.

Personality pattern…..

There are numerous things that can attract someone to your personality. Like you have the fun and loving personality that more can relate to than being shy and withdrawn but that is not all you have to show. People are socialists and for that to be satisfied we interact as a way to nurse our curiosity and fill the empty spaces made for others in our life.

(Can that be that people can only fall for what that person is on the inside or is it just a myth now that personality is everything.)

But the pattern is there even in the smallest way it is. Dating different people that either have a short temper or kindness in common. Do you really know what kind of personality you like? Is it enough?

Now what we have two persons. One with the looks and the other has the personality. Witch do you choose?

This is only a few options of patterns that I have gone through. Like the letter or name of a person there is the months or numbers (date or birth year or even age) another study that can be thrown into the batch.

What is the month that has the most of your ex – partners in it. be it anniversary or birthday or when you met. think about it? could this be another pattern we use to meat the one.Now there is one pattern that I know some people have used more than anything. Star sign compatibility. You might think o yes that has been more than effective for thousands of couples over the years but is it really as effective that you can find your partner. So the great search begins. can any of these help with finding the one?

So I am testing my own thing here and got the following conclusion ( TAKE NOTE THAT EVERYTHING HAS BEEN CALCULATED TO MY PAST RELATIONSHIPS  AND CRUSHES)

Letter assosiated with more than 60% of guys I have dated?         C

Body type etc – looks (my preferences)?         lean, brown hair, hazel brown eyes, sexy hands etc.

Comparison to the looks  _ Lean and brown hair

Personality?  Fun, loving, extrovert, artist, talkative etc

Comparison to the personality?  Fun, extrovert and artist.

Month in common?  March – either started dating or their birthday was then

Number?  Only pattern  that had me thinking. what did it have and the nr 3 came forward.

Star sign compatibility….. Pisces and Aries

Now thrown together will it be a way to get the perfect match?

The pattern becomes more and more complicated when throw together and the possible outcomes are endless.

Might this be an endless search or are we on to discovering a way to make many lives easier?

 

Crushing on someone….. why it can’t work and is there love out there????

Finally getting time to write and it feels like ages since I have last been on this site. So quick recap on what has been going on.

Work. Work. Work and ..uhm work. Welcome to my dull life.

 

Okay I am admitting it. I have a crush and it is making me go mad inside out…

The problem is it is NEVER going to work. How do I know this? Cause I do have eyes and I can see that if there was a mere chance of this being something it would end in disaster.

When people encourage the fact that you might feel something for someone more than friends, don’t go on it cause stalking is WEIRD…

May it be on a online or in real life. It can be seen as not harmful but sooner or later it may cause you to over annualized and  over react when that person is near. Trying to be near to him/her when you share company. often looking their way to see a glimpse of what you think you want more than anything. Freaking out to never be near you again is the end result.

Now for the person being stalked, it is flattering in the beginning then it begins so become a hassle to live with before getting scary like some of the shows on CRIME CHANNEL. My BFF tried to kill me. Stalkers.

Scary as in they begin to think that you are capable of that if it is not stopped, but the bad thing about this is that it is done in the wrong ways 70% of the time.

Taking in consideration that each and every situation is different it all comes to the same point. Do you really want to be the WEIRDO and outcast of everybody.

There are so many ways of stalking it is scary to think it is happening every second of everyday. It might be you or your best friend or some stranger doing it. So take caution and think before you take crushing on someone to the next level.

Back to the part of people/friends telling you that your crush has feelings for you after they find out about the crush bit. It is astoundingly the worst advice someone can give you but it is kind of reassurance that you are not in a bottomless pit. I have given that speech about a few times that time will tell and so on but in the end. What matters most is that if you guys were meant to be it would happen.

Don’t push the envelope cause you can’t wait for the RIGHT ONE, you might find that you can burn easily. Other than disappointment there will be regret, shame and dread. But the heart ache always seems to last only for as long as you are still fascinated by that person. Until the next one comes along…

They say that falling in LOVE is like taking a leap and trusting that you don’t fall. But is crushing really love? Does it really compare to true love? Some have proved to me that when you fall in love with someone it can start with a crush and end in happy ever after. But that is like one 1 out of 7 that it can happen to (guessing here the number can be higher in the odds of it happening.)

So is it love or just FASCINATION? What is the difference? so I ask something different – why do people fall out of love so quickly? Is it because of mistaken fascination as love? Another why is Divorce rate so high over the world? Is it because of society placing the perfect wife or husband and people fall for image more than what their hearts want?

Why do I need to fit in the cookie cutter? Be another clone to  become a Stepford wife. I have to say that people would use the word NORMAL now, but it is not normal? Sure we have the right to see who we want but it is all a lie. If it is not about social status it is about what you look like. What happen to don’t judge a book by its cover? Is it wrong for a girl that is a few pounds over weight or totally over weight to get the hot guy with muscles. And the geeky girl with glasses get the hot party guy. What about the science guy finding love with a hot model or a comic con guy finding it with a beauty queen. Or is it to remain fantasy for so many?

ANSWER.…. It wouldn’t work socially. Really!!! Do you know them all personally? Did you date one of them cause how can you tell me that it is not acceptable for any of these people that are seen as incompatible can’t date or even love? Social media has made it mostly impossible for more than half the world to function without the guideline about who to date and what to avoid.

Dating…. Social media and networks are the future dating sites. You don’t need to go out on a date to get to know someone. just login and STALK their profile. Easy fast and best place to avoid any awkward moments or even taking the risk of finding true love.

“O no I wouldn’t date him look at his profile pic. And there is no selfies…. ”

Ahg don’t get it. Just cause he is not photogenic doesn’t mean he is not the person for you. What about you? Do you think you are online dating worthy? Is there not someone out there now looking at your profile and thinking that you are undated-able? How would you know?

Or….

Do you Like the face to face date that makes everything WORTH going through? That just maybe love will come unexpectedly….

So the big question now is how do you KNOW if it is love or just a crush?

Think about it………

———————————————————————————————————

“It’s like I’m thirteen again and he’s my crush. All I’m aware of in this entire roomful of people is him. Where he is, what he’s doing, who he’s talking to.”
― Sophie Kinsella, Remember Me?

“He barely knew I existed. I knew some of the same people he knew, but I was a girl in the background, several degrees of seperation removed.”
― Rick Yancey, The 5th Wave

“Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.”
― Hilary Duff

““…we’re all fucking Duffs.”
(Designated Ugly Fat Friend)
“I’m not the Duff,” Wesley said confidently.
“That’s because you don’t have friends.” (Bianca)
“Oh. Right.””
― Kody Keplinger, The DUFF: Designated Ugly Fat Friend

2014 What a way to start

So time has flown past so fast and the short holiday that I had was to short to even notice.

But true to the new year And celebrations we did enjoy it.

Just a short entry I have a lot to do  before the weekend.  But A update none the less.

 

When life has so many unexpected events happening in your life that it feels like you going to drown in the sea of expectations. It felt like that to me. I was thrown into the deep end of this. everyone expected me to swim. each thing that hit me made me feel like sinking. I wanted to give up and drown. Drown in sorrow and sadness. Feeling the feelings of despair and  unsuccessful emotions. But somehow I kept going something made me want to keep going. Even if it was slowly.

So my planned holiday got canceled and the time I wanted to write, read and just do nothing was filled with unfortunate lists of things to do. So I was negative. Negative to everything.

Christmas past and to be honest it was just another day to me. This year it didn’t feel like the festive season.

New year was a blast. But still I was negative. Making it one of the least favorite new years.

What I then found to be is that I had a waist for a holiday. It made me grumpy and Agro at everything and everyone

If it wasn’t for friends and family I think I would have been a sour old lady before my short break was over. So after countless wining and chats I got to be positive about life.

I only saw the negative but when I counted my blessings I started to see that they are more than the bad.

God blessed me with so many things I could only go down on my knees and pray.

Don’t let the negative in life take over stop and look t what is positive in life. in your life

 

Year 2013 – fast tracked

with Christmas around the corner and the new year creeping up on us slowly but surely I have come to the terms that life is passing me by to fast. just feels like February was Yesterday and now we have December in only a few days away.

Why did it past me so fast? Can’t I just turn back the clock to catch up with what has happened this year. All questions that have the same answer to them. NO. I can’t. What it made me think is that the time I have left of this year I need to be productive. But how. In a month it is Christmas and then a week later new years. What can I do to be productive in just six weeks?

That is when I relished we do this every year. We just start a year with new years resolutions to fail before February and then start again in May to be disappointment by August with no results. Thinking maybe next year. We have big expectations for the year that has started only to recap and find that the year didn’t turn out like you would have wanted it to.

So I Have made new year plans for next year. Not to expect to much and to go with the flow. No more new years resolutions that will be broken after the first month. No more planning ahead of time of things that I can do before the end of the year. I want to start the new year 2014 with a clean slate and if something happens I would be trilled and if nothing happens I will not be disappointed as many times before. No expectations just day to day stuff.

Not saying that I will abandon my goals in life but just lowering my expectations on what life is going to dish out on me next year.

Happy – Well I am I think

HEYYYYYY!!!! I know it has been a while since my last post but I have been extremely busy. Really busy that if I got home at a decent hour I pass out as soon as my head hit the pillow.

So I have good news and I have good news. So the good news is that I am on the verge to write the end of my first book still ten thousand words but the end is near. It is the first book that I will have written and finished. Just so you know I have put half of it on wattpad.POP STAR PRINCESS, go check it out and feel free to comment.

Then I am one of the co-writers of IN TOO DEEP. And I am loving it please go read and vote. So that is the good news.

I know not that exiting but sure a big turn in my life. Just wanted to share my happiness with all.

People have different points of view

One thing in life we all can be thankful for is that we are not the same if we were this life will be one boring lifestyle.

But with the difference in  personalties, tastes and cultures we some how find things in common with each other. That is where I got the most diverse group of friends from.

Lets start with my oldest and dearest friend  – we are like opposites from what kind of food we like to the kind of music. I like country she like shard rock and roll. Not likely a pair to put together but we can talk for hours on end.

Then I have  her brother as a friend too with his boyfriend. That is totally out of my comfort zone when I am with this two. But I love them both and even if the only thing we have in common is drinking then so be it. (joking we actually have more things to talk about then me and his sister.

Not forgetting my two other friends that are like my sisters. this relationship was one for the books and might I say I saw this one coming a mile away. Two people that have been in my life for unpredictable time found love after a party that made a few people climb out of the closet.

My crazy 82 friends. both born in the same year and month separated by only 6 days – they keep me on my toes and let me tell you I am the youngest of the group but sure as hell the most responsible one. compared to these two.

My one 82 brother is also part of these weird and wacky group of friends and being almost the oldest in the group he is kind of the educator and grumpy one. He would have us all laughing and entertained at some stage of a get together.

Then there is his girlfriend/ don’t really know if it is so. She came into the group a few months ago. We have a lot in common with reading, movies and music.

That is just the start of my group of friends, close friends.

They might be weird funny grumpy or just insane, but they are friends I will never exchange.

The exemption to the rule

For those who haven’t seen the movie – He’s just not that into you. (please go watch it) It opens up so many unanswered  questions for both men and women.

Okay yes it is not everyones cup of tea. Or even the sort movie you would normally watch. But it made somethings clear to me and I would like to share my thoughts on this to you.

1.  That thing we are taught from a young age boys/girls hurt you cause they like you are some what true (in the movie you see the girl’s mother saying that the boy likes her that is why he did it). 90% of all romance novels, novellas and movies are based on this theses of boy meets girl, boy hurts girl. Girl falls in love with boy. finally ending boy kiss girl. It is actually brilliant. this simple concept is used to brainwash every over emotional girl into thinking. O that guy has the hots for me that is way he is insulting me, He doesn’t want to look uncool. Visa versa. It happens to guys as well.But in reality it doesn’t work like that. he/she likes you or not.

2.   Search for signs that that person is interested. What signs? Come on he/she is flirting with you or not. So the guy/girl comes to you with smoke signals and sign language. If interest is shown you get to read the signs quit clearly. trust me, on this one. everybody can read that language. except some people do read it wrong.

3.   Despite everything desperate partner seeking is so general now you can’t believe it from personal adverts on sites to speed dating. Don’t be shy we have all tried it once. what has happened to meeting the person you going to be with for the rest of your life the old fashion way?

4.  Social circle… Something that you get divided into when having friends. Classed and separated by social structure and demand. You are recognized by the company you keep.

5.  It doesn’t matter how you look on the outside what matters are what is inside. This has to be the most used line on any website dating service around the world. When did it ever became about your personality other then your looks? people say things like that but don’t mean them. i take from personal experience guy will be all over you because you are so cute and easy to talk to until they get a glimpse of what you look like (don’t deny it girls you are precisely the same with guys) Then it is come hell or high water they cover their tracks and disappear.

6. When the thought of being alone for the rest of your life makes you take option one – marry the guy or girl you dating for longer than a year it may be your only chance to get hitched. Really think this through People say there is many fish in the sea and still get married to the person that they fancied to look back at their life and feel it was a total waist. Affairs form and divorce is not that far behind.

We are social beings and we need to have that one person we share our life with. It is in our DNA.

 

My best friends wedding!!!

So on the 14th of September 2013 was a date we all were looking for ward to.

The wedding we have all been waiting for has final arrived and the thing that makes it something to see forward to and be afraid of is my friend Framay. She is not a typical bride. My friendship with her started years ago when a mutual friend of ours wanted to have a good party. And since then we haven’t looked back. I could write a book on all our little adventures and parties, but this weekend was all about her and Rene. Finally she has found her Dogtanian. (long story short it was a group thing with the three musketeers)

Like I mentioned Framay is not you typical bride. She has to be the most diverse  person I have ever met in my whole life up till now. This was no ordinary wedding I can assure you that. From when the church bells ranged to ending the night in the guest house enjoying a last drink with the married couple. it was surprise after surprise.

I really enjoyed it from the moment we landed at the reception area till in the early hours of the next day enjoying the last drink. It was interesting to see and be part of such a wedding.

In the beginning we were not that into the whole game playing at a wedding reception but as the first game past and the ice was broken we went on and enjoyed so many more games. from switch shoes to guess the bride and guess the groom it made every one more relaxed. I actually got to mingle with people that I just met. (I am not that out going quite shy)

But ending the night dancing and celebrating my best friends wedding was something I would do again.

We can do no great things;
only small things 
with great love.

~ Mother Teresa ~